Fosterhood :: Listening for Gods Direction During The Quiet Sadness

"I am after Love that last, not more religion. I want you to know God not go to more prayer meetings." 

Hosea 6:6

Hosea 6:6 in the Bible had me asking myself, "did I know God enough to recognize His work in my life?"  You see, I had no doubt that God lives and works, but I was wondering if He had time to live and work in me. After finding out I could not father a child through natural means, I started asking God for a supernatural intervention. 

I started running in 2011; the turmoil in my life had caused me to gain a lot of weight and not only did running help me start to lose the weight, but it became therapy for me. It started out with me running around my block, one time around and then another and then another. I still had a lot of questions and I felt like I needed the answers before I could move on. Regrettably, I felt there was no one in my world that could relate and could be a sounding board. I have come to refer to this feeling as "The Quiet Sadness." 

It is the feeling of sadness you carry not really knowing that it is in fact sadness. It is the frustration and doubt in your spirit even when your intellect is trying to rightly convince you of the truth you know. It is the most curious of feelings and emotions and it can consume you unless you begin to do something to refocus.

Running became my time to refocus and talk with God. It became a time for me to listen for Him (see my very 1st blog Runners High). I will admit, sometimes I do wish God would speak louder. I don't think my wife actually knew how therapeutic running became in my life. All I can say is that I did not want to burden her more. Our home was going into foreclosure, the bank kept preventing us from short selling and we still had not fully recovered economically to make needed repairs on our roof. Our home was broken into and not only did we have to deal with the loss of things but also the loss of security.

It seemed like with every new stress and strain, my runs got longer and longer. I started to run the Rickenbacker Causeway. I'd get there before sunrise and time it so that just as I got to the summit of the bridge I would see the sun coming up over the horizon. Every time I ran, my thoughts, my conversations with God would go deeper. 

My request before God, for Him to supernaturally heal me, make me well and whole so I could become a father, had yet to be answered by the close of the 2011. So as 2012 started, I was inspired to have one of the longest conversations with God I had up until that point. On January 7th I had my wife drop me off at the southern most point of South Beach and I began to run.

The first three miles took me through great moments in my city. Beautiful moments filled with beautiful architecture, beautiful people and beautiful weather, yet Quiet Sadness was still with me... almost chasing me. As I began mile four my sadness turned to anger. At first I thought my anger was towards God. "How could He be doing this to me?", I asked.   Then my anger shifted.  As I crossed into mile 8, I ran and I realized I was angry at me.  I was upset at myself for being scared to trust God, for the fear that I had allowed to consume my thoughts and for the lie that had become my shadow: that I was less than a man, broken. 

Each mile a new moment with God, a new revelation into me, a cutting away of the quiet sadness. 14 miles run a little less than 1 to get home and I was done. I was tired of the quiet sadness between me and God. I reached out to God, He listened to me, and I felt Him. By the end of my run, my feet hurt, my legs hurt and I was tired, but I had never felt so at peace. 

I could stop running... I was ready to see all the doctors I needed to see and do what ever it took to become a father.  I was determined to have a "Go Plan" for 2012. 

This was not the last time the quiet sadness would come into my life, but when it does, I know what to do...

Fosterhood :: When Later is Now

Prolog :: In January of 2014, I and my wife became unintentinal Foster Parents.  I have kept a journal of some of the more interesting events of this time in our lives. I did not activly blog about them out of concern/ respect for the privacy of my foster son and his biolgical parents. Yet I have come to the decision that Kalvin (not his real name) and others might bennifit from this story.

"I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness or abilities that I can show to any fellow creature,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- William Penn

     I'm not sure of the reasons why families make the decision to become foster parents. Honestly, before becoming one myself I had this thought that I and my wife would foster children much later in our life... much, much, much later. My thinking on the subject was simple, would it not be totally the right thing to do, to care for a child who is hurting and alone ( que the Sarah McLachlan music) when we had more time and money and experience, when we were in our 50's and not our 30's. Even though I know there are children in need now, I would be so much more useful later.

     Later can be dangerous. Unintentionally we all can become really well accuanted with Later. Sure, the obvious laters are decions about weight-loss and wardrobe, marriage and home purchases, children and retirement. Choosing later can create a false sense of control, having symptoms and warning signs of serious illness and ignoring them because of the odd belief that not knowing is better than knowing (smh). Honestly, I find my self sometimes choosing later because it is convenient, it is easy, it is "SAFE". I have come to the determination that living in later is actually dangerous, it can keep you from experiencing some amazing moments right now.  "I have learned that being reckless with my heart, for the sake of some one else, can actually create a very safe place"!

     My wife and I have been trying to start our family for about 8 years. When I turned 25, after being married for 4 years, a magical switch in my head was flipped and I had this compulsion to become a father. After 3 years of trying my wife and I went through fertility testing to discover that I had fertility issues. I think back now on why it took me 3 years to get tested, I can only say that "later" was protecting my from learning I could not do something that was fundamental to being a man. The long story short is that just as I came to terms with this set back and was set to do what ever it would take to become fertile life threw us a curve ball. 

     First my wife lost her job, so we focused on making sure we were debt free to overcome this set back, but within a few months she found a new job and we were ready to get back on track. Then the week of my 30'th birth day, 5 days after setting an appointment to go deeper into discovering what might be the cause of my fertility issues, my architectural firm shut its door as in 1 week the economic mess of 2008 had finally caught up to us.   It took 3 years and 1 conversation for us to get to the place were we could hope to start reviving our dream of children. 

     My Pastor took me out for coffee and reminded me that faith is a muscle and if its not exercised it shrinks, atrophy sets in. As we talked he shared his and his wife's story of struggling through issues of infertility. He reminded me that the dreams of a 28 year old can be realized by a 31 year old if acted upon by the same faith. So fo the next year I meet with a Urologist to see what could be done. I know a year seems like a long time, but between being tested and waiting for results and being treated then retested and waiting results... this cycle went on for a year until every possibility was exhausted.

     When nothing could be done to improve my fertility, my wife and I decided that we would adopt. We both knew we were called to be parents. We believe God was inviting us to say yes to his invitation to become parents to the parentless.  There was a lot of things that transpired to get us to the place and decision to foster. We started our parental journey wanting to go through a privat adoption agency, but here is the thing...

"Sometimes what you want is hidden in what you need and you wont understand that until you make yourself available."

Leadership :: Why Vote

     Many Christians both Pastors and Parishioners are perhaps struggling with the opportunity of voting this November. Not just the question of whom to vote for but if they should vote at all. I stand before you as one who had resolved not to vote, but after a casual conversation over breakfast I began a journey of exploration, both of self and the Bible. Scriptures that are not just great examples of wisdom but the ultimate standard of truth. 

     The Apostle Paul in Romans chapter 13 verse 1 clearly states that Christians must obey “governing authorities” because all their authority comes from God. When Paul pens this he is writing during a system of government, which at is core, is a Monarchy lead by the Cesar’s and to a people who had no say in the ultimate head of state. Verse one establishes the Authority of governance but verses 2-8 out line the responsibilities of that leadership.

     The question that I had to ask, and encourage all to ask, is how then does Paul’s exhortation inform & influence a Christians stance on voting in our modern Republic? Democracies & Republics are best described as collaborative or representative, in that officials and leaders are elected, representing “the will of the people!” Though not perfect, this form of government is generally considered to be the best of mankind’s governments. The great 20th-century British Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, summed up this idea in a not so straight forward way when he called democracy “the worst form of government—except [for] all the other[s]...”

     So here is the catch: George Washington & our founding fathers, men I believe led by God, brought into existence this great experiment, America, where the people are the leaders! Here, at least, we express our obedience to God by exercising our rights and privileges as citizens. “We the people” are the Civil Authority, and this authority is by Gods permission and by His Sanction, it exists by God’s appointment. Our VOTE is a reflection of our leadership. TODAY, there are many who want to drive the name and message of Christ completely from the public square. Voting is an opportunity to promote, protect, and preserve Godly governance.

Romans chapter 13 vs. 2-8 becomes wise counsel for us:

• We should not resist this appointment as it is by God’s design. 
• When we vote, we should not do so in a manor that causes terror in people of Good Conduct, but to those of bad behavior. 
• In our voting we are to do what is right so as to receive God’s approval and commendation. 
• As we vote, we become God’s servant for the good of society.

     Passing up that opportunity means letting those who would denigrate the name of Christ have their way in our lives. The leaders we elect—or do nothing to remove—have great influence on our freedoms and the freedoms of future generations who’s voices have yet to be heard. They can choose to protect our right to worship and spread the gospel, or they can restrict those rights. They can lead our nation toward righteousness or toward moral disaster. As Christians, we should stand up and follow our calling to fulfill our civic duties.

Final Thoughts

     I would do a great disservice if I did not include not just advice but a command of Jesus towards all who claims to be in relationship with God. Jesus in the gospel of Mathew 5:13-15 gives perhaps the best reason why I believe, those of us that hunger & thirst for righteousness, must take up a burden for the world we live in and the people which are our neighbors. His call, His great exhortation is to view ourselves as he view’s us, as Salt and Light in this world:

• 13 “Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

     Friends, & fellow clergy, we must use our voices, our God given appointments, whither from the pulpit or at the dinning table, to speak God’s perfect truth in love. In doing so WE become the preserving agent in society and create the opportunity for God to be experienced. If we fail to exercise our right and calling we will become irrelevant. Jesus continues in Matthew’s gospel: 

• 14-16 “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (msg)

As we vote we have the opportunity to shed light on the darkness in this world.

My prayer today is that all under the sound of my voice will hearken to this call as they vote, To walk Humbly before God and by doing so make a way for His Justice & His Mercy.

Grace & Peace be with you all as you vote.

Missions :: An Oppertunity

     “Sometimes there is nothing more exciting than an opportunity, and sometimes there is nothing more frightening than an opportunity.” Every morning we wake, we have the great privilege of deciding how we will choose to view the different opportunities that cross our path. Honestly, I wish I could say opportunities never scared me but the truth is they can, and at times they do. I have a feeling I’m not the only one, and once we all come to the place where we look at the opportunities at hand and choose to get excited about them, we just might live a courageous life.

     Living a courageous life does not mean we have to pick up a long sword, throw on our kilts, jump on horses and dash into battle. That epic act of valor is actually sometimes simpler to perform because it easier to understand. I think living a courageous life means we live out the opportunities we have as bravely as we possible can in spite of danger or criticism or threat. I think that’s one of the many lessons I learn from Jesus when it comes to serving.

     For certain, Jesus’ death on the cross is perhaps the most epic, most courageous thing ever performed or witnessed but it is not the only epic example in the life of Christ. Hours before He heads to the cross, in John chapter 13, Jesus takes the opportunity of a dinner party to show what courage looks like. Against the back drop of deception & betrayal and the end of His life, the bible says that Jesus decides to wash His disciple’s feet. Jesus places Himself in the position of a servant by performing the job of a slave.

     The obvious question is why! Jesus is willing to die for His friends (for all humanity) in a few short hours, why isn’t that enough. Peter is so totally wrecked by this act of service that he missed, and sometimes we miss, the point: 

“The opportunity to show love does not always mean you have to die for someone else, sometimes it means you have to be willing to die to self.”

Click Here to See an Album

     Jesus courageously chooses to humble himself not only to the danger of the cross but also to the danger of living a life filled with criticism and threat by choosing to become a servant. The opportunity to serve may not always seem glamorous or necessary but  if a need presents itself how we respond, excitedly or scared, will determine the results we get.

     Last week I organized a mission’s trip where a group of young adults were given the chance to venture onto the mission field, die to self & serve in Nicaragua. We feed and clothed many, we painted walls and became electricians and we even got to wash the feet of a community of elderly people who have been a banded and forgotten by their family. Honestly we were all a little scared of washing feet but we were more excited about being able to bring joy and peace to hurting lives.

     Opportunities to serve & love present themselves every day, the question is how will we respond?

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Faith :: Questions for God

     I have a lot of questions for God, Honestly. I do not know why God does what He does. I do not know why He allows what He allows. The whole rain falling on the just and unjust sometimes throws me, in my humanity, my understanding falls so short.

But, I do know that He is God...

     And that knowledge becomes the fuel for my faith. In my studies of the Bible, I have come to this conclusion: "God's Love makes a way for Hope, which is the seed that produces the fruit of Faith!"

     It may not make sense to the one suffering, the one hurting or the one lost but I believe the above truth will transform a person's life for the better. If not for God's love, hope would not be in existence. God's love is so perfect that in adversity it is made complete. His love is so awesome that in times of trials it is found to be sufficient.

     David, the psalmist of old, the king poet writes such a majestic description of this love in Psalms 36:5&6 

• God's love is meteoric, his loyalty astronomic, His purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic. Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost; Not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks. (MSG)

So my faith... My faith is in God, the living God and His love for me. God is loyal to His word, and as He has promised, 

I choose to believe. God is so big that he consumes all.

My Hope... My hope is simple, though I may lose my way at times, 

my hope is to always be found in Him.

And I choose to accept God's love for me, though at times I may not recognize it, 

I know it is present!

Focus :: 1st Lesson from a Graduation

It's graduation season and as I am being invited to different commencement ceremonies and celebrations I am reminded of my different graduations. I have been a part of a few graduations, as partaker and guest speaker, but there are two graduations which have been so instructional (believe it or not, important) in my life that i reflect on them often. The two ceremonies caused a shift in my understanding of my life and the way I choose to lead it. The first graduation which helped shape my world view was High School.

To be certain, high school graduations across America are filled with bad cleshaeys and hooky sentiment. I'm sure my high school graduation was a partaker in the above, yet there was a truth shared by my biology teacher that caught my attention. James Gillham quoted from Mark 8:36 "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" and for the first time in my buddying young adult mind I was tasked with thinking about not the end of school but the beginning of my life.

I feel the society we live in encourages all to "gain the whole world." Sadly, we all might agree with the above as it applies to others, but we would never be so fooled or duped. I speak from experience, I thought I would never fall in the trap only to come to the place where I didn't own stuff, stuff owned me.

The warning is simple:
1st- Focus on the eternal not the temporal.
2nd- Focus on the internal and not the external.

Jesus makes a way, over and over, for all to come to terms with being lost to self so that we can be found in Him. "If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms." (Luke 17:33)

I would much rather have life on God's terms!

Stewardship :: I am a Gardner

I was interviewed by a student for their Earth Ethics Class Recently. Below is the answer to the question: How does your faith and philosophy view the relation between humans and the natural world? Where do we fit and why? (Our conversation earned the student an A-.)

As a Christian I believe that all things were created by God, purposefully ordered and fashioned by His creativity but not just as an example of His artistry. In the book of Genesis God creates Adam to have relationship with Him, and he experiences a relationship of un-equals where God is superior. With Eve, Adam experiences a relationship of true equals and with the totality of creation, Adam experiences a relationship of Un-equals again where he is superior. In all three instances a partnership of sorts is present. (Gen: 2) But what informs my philosophy towards the natural world is the understanding that before God would allow man to experience the gift of  Eve and the ability to partner with an equal in life, God first allowed Adam to exhibit the God shared attribute of a relationship of un-equals.

God appoints man as “caretaker” of the garden and “steward” to the earth. The example of Genesis is clear, man has been given authority over creation by his creator, God, but this authority must always be tempered by our understanding of the partnership between un-equals.  The manner in which God chooses to treat humanity, as valued and important ( though completely inferior to God ) becomes the bench-mark by which humanity should treat Gods creation. Man’s duty than is to manage the affairs of this planet not on his own behalf but on the behalf of the greater partner, God.

Genesis 8:22 sums up my philosophy toward issues of the environment: “For as long as Earth lasts, planting and harvest, cold and heat, Summer and winter, day and night  will never stop." I truly believe, regardless of wither or not humanity is contributing to climate change, God has ordained the length of time the Earth will last. In as much as I can, my mandate is to then live as the best steward of God’s creation as I can.