Fosterhood :: When Later is Now

Prolog :: In January of 2014, I and my wife became unintentinal Foster Parents.  I have kept a journal of some of the more interesting events of this time in our lives. I did not activly blog about them out of concern/ respect for the privacy of my foster son and his biolgical parents. Yet I have come to the decision that Kalvin (not his real name) and others might bennifit from this story.

"I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness or abilities that I can show to any fellow creature,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- William Penn

     I'm not sure of the reasons why families make the decision to become foster parents. Honestly, before becoming one myself I had this thought that I and my wife would foster children much later in our life... much, much, much later. My thinking on the subject was simple, would it not be totally the right thing to do, to care for a child who is hurting and alone ( que the Sarah McLachlan music) when we had more time and money and experience, when we were in our 50's and not our 30's. Even though I know there are children in need now, I would be so much more useful later.

     Later can be dangerous. Unintentionally we all can become really well accuanted with Later. Sure, the obvious laters are decions about weight-loss and wardrobe, marriage and home purchases, children and retirement. Choosing later can create a false sense of control, having symptoms and warning signs of serious illness and ignoring them because of the odd belief that not knowing is better than knowing (smh). Honestly, I find my self sometimes choosing later because it is convenient, it is easy, it is "SAFE". I have come to the determination that living in later is actually dangerous, it can keep you from experiencing some amazing moments right now.  "I have learned that being reckless with my heart, for the sake of some one else, can actually create a very safe place"!

     My wife and I have been trying to start our family for about 8 years. When I turned 25, after being married for 4 years, a magical switch in my head was flipped and I had this compulsion to become a father. After 3 years of trying my wife and I went through fertility testing to discover that I had fertility issues. I think back now on why it took me 3 years to get tested, I can only say that "later" was protecting my from learning I could not do something that was fundamental to being a man. The long story short is that just as I came to terms with this set back and was set to do what ever it would take to become fertile life threw us a curve ball. 

     First my wife lost her job, so we focused on making sure we were debt free to overcome this set back, but within a few months she found a new job and we were ready to get back on track. Then the week of my 30'th birth day, 5 days after setting an appointment to go deeper into discovering what might be the cause of my fertility issues, my architectural firm shut its door as in 1 week the economic mess of 2008 had finally caught up to us.   It took 3 years and 1 conversation for us to get to the place were we could hope to start reviving our dream of children. 

     My Pastor took me out for coffee and reminded me that faith is a muscle and if its not exercised it shrinks, atrophy sets in. As we talked he shared his and his wife's story of struggling through issues of infertility. He reminded me that the dreams of a 28 year old can be realized by a 31 year old if acted upon by the same faith. So fo the next year I meet with a Urologist to see what could be done. I know a year seems like a long time, but between being tested and waiting for results and being treated then retested and waiting results... this cycle went on for a year until every possibility was exhausted.

     When nothing could be done to improve my fertility, my wife and I decided that we would adopt. We both knew we were called to be parents. We believe God was inviting us to say yes to his invitation to become parents to the parentless.  There was a lot of things that transpired to get us to the place and decision to foster. We started our parental journey wanting to go through a privat adoption agency, but here is the thing...

"Sometimes what you want is hidden in what you need and you wont understand that until you make yourself available."